The old me is dead and not coming back

My dad died 5 months ago in a Hospital bed in the Cardiac ICU @ UCSF Hospital @5:30pm. I didn't expect to ever experience this type of deep grief in my 20's. I knew my Dad would die eventually but I thought he could've at least been around long enough to meet my kids and invest in their lives. I have so many feelings since he's been gone. Feelings of anger that he left with so many things untied. Feelings of jealousy that he got to be involved in my niece's life but not my future kids. Feelings of despair that I can't ever call him again to ask his advice on things I have no idea about. Feelings of happiness that he's in the presence of Jesus free of pain. Feelings of envy that he's there and I'm here. Every single thing is a reminder of what I've lost.

I recently read an interview with Kay Warren (wife of famous author/pastor Rick Warren) after her mentally ill son killed himself and it struck a cord with me. She said, "The old Rick and Kay are gone, they're never coming back." When I read that I knew exactly what they meant. I know what it's like to be so changed by grief and death to feel so unlike who you were. For the most part, I've been a hermit these past 5 months; only going out for the important things. I'm struggling with anxiety in crowds, which I've never experienced before. I guess I'm scared that I'll be out and something will remind me of my Dad and I won't be able to control the sadness. I don't want to be "that person" that cries every time someone talks about him. I'm struggling with the feelings of celebrating anything, when I feel like there's this big gaping hole in my chest. I feel incapable of joy. For someone who's been a Christian my whole life I feel like I'm not being a very good one.

I constantly get asked, "Rachael how are you doing?" Sometimes I just want to scream that I'm so not okay. But that'd make for a real uncomfortable conversation so I say we're doing okay. I mean, that's partly honest right? I recently went through all of my emails and put anything from my Dad/related to my Dad in a folder titled "Dad stuff" so I wouldn't have to look at it day in and day out. I mean it's not really a reminder of something if you're constantly thinking about it right? I just can't bare to look at any of the emails I sent out to friends/family daily when we were in the Hospital. I think the main reason is because all the emails were laced with feelings of hope he'd eventually leave that place. I think my Dad thought he'd leave that place. I've felt like stones have been sitting on my chest for the last 5 months. I now understand the quote that says "The greater the love, the greater the loss." I'm feeling it all right now.

Marriage and now a home?

It has been a few months since I've last posted and my deepest apologies! My husband and I's life had been overtaken with searching for a home in Santa Rosa, but great news we found one! It seemed crazy that after I just unpacked all of our stuff in our last house, only to re-pack everything again was a little stressful....but luckily I had a husband to help me this time :) A couple Saturday's ago a bunch of our friends (whom we are SO thankful for giving up their Saturday to move our heavy furniture!) came and helped us load and unload our stuff and day by day, box by box it's becoming more like home. Luckily the house we are in now is twice the size so we have much more storage (which may end up making us accumulate more stuff when we really should give it away...lol). Despite that, we are so excited to start this new journey called "home-ownership" and can't wait to fill the space with the people we love.

On the lookout for a new place to call home...

With marriage comes a lot of changes. When Matt and I got married we moved into a beautiful and quaint 3 bedroom 2 bath house in Petaluma with the best landlords (my in-laws) in which we currently live. As much as we love Petaluma we've decided to move ourselves to Santa Rosa in hopes of getting more involved with our Church and close married/single friends (and Petaluma friends, yes we will miss you too...lol). I am so grateful for the abundance that God has provided for us but it's kind of scary moving into a home, being on a title, paying a mortgage and creating a new home elsewhere.  All of that in being only 6 months married can add a lot of stress and worry. I'm reminded of a verse that brings me comfort in times of stress, 
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:28-31)


This is an awesome reminder that God is faithful and strengthens me when I feel weak in all the craziness that is my life. It comforts me and gives me peace. In other news, in an attempt to be more healthy Matt and I have started a nutrition transformation 30 day program. It's made by a company called Isagenix and we have no complaints so far. We are excited to not only relocate but also to be healthier and to feel better most of all :). I hope you all have a lovely weekend. 

Welcome!

 

Yesterday this little cutie was born to Matt's bro and sister in law! My husband is SOOOOO excited to have a niece so close to him (to spoil :). We are both super excited to babysit as well and hopefully that'll dim our desire to have a baby of our own anytime soon. Welcome to the world Hazel Maylene Sangervasi!

On other news, our house is coming along slow and sure. My husband will be unloading some boxes from one of our guest rooms today and organizing it so I can go through and hopefully get rid of alot of it! He has big plans for his "man cave" and wants to get that room cleared ASAP :) I am also sketching out plans for our backyard so that hopefully we will have a beautiful garden/hangout area come next Summer :)

Unfortunately I haven't done ANY art recently due to my house still being unloaded and I'm having big time withdrawals! I have a huge canvas that I have big plans for so I have been collecting various things to bring together a beautiful end result. I hope you all are having a very happy Monday so far!

xo Rachael

Guess what I did last weekend?

I apologize for not writing in a long time but as some of you know I have been nursing my husband back to health.

It all started about a week ago where things progressed quickly from a cough into severe abdominal pain, nausea and fever. On Sunday around 4am we both knew that something wasn't right. After talking to an on call Clinic Doctor at Kaiser in San Rafael he instructed us to come in immediately. After a quick consult they admitted Matt and did a number of labs and a chest x-ray. The ultimate diagnosis was bronchitis mixed with the flu and an infection. After spending about 10 hours of him being given 3 IV bags of fluids (due to severe dehydration), 1 bag of antibiotics and a syringe full of pain medication they discharged us. I felt so bad for my husband and am so happy that he is feeling MUCH better. So a lesson to everyone is; if your symptoms progress over a span of a few days call your Doctor and get advice. Don't just let it go! It is so important to stay hydrated and if you can't keep food or fluids down for a few days, most likely you're going to be dehydrated! I am so glad my sick husband is more like himself and that he is getting much needed rest.

Beyond grateful...

Happy 4th everyone! Today is a day to be grateful for the many amazing freedoms that we have! And speaking of being grateful, there has been a recent chain of events that has made me EXTREMELY grateful.
I have been working at the same Cardiology office for 9 years and going to school part time in addition to working full time. My dream has always been to be a part of patient care and to eventually become an RN (Registered Nurse). For the past year I was able to help in the Back Office and train be a Medical Assistant until we developed more space for me to work in that dept. full time. I didn't care where I was, I just wanted to be able to have more interactions with the patients and to be closer to my field of interest. A couple weeks ago my Office Manager called me into her Office and said that the Doctor's voted me to be a part of our recently started Vein Department, Sonoma Vein. Of course I said yes! Last week was my first week of training and there is ALOT to remember. Despite my feelings of being overwhelmed, I knew that if this was where God wanted me, I would do my best. That alone brought me comfort.
My job entails many different aspects of a working Office. I'd be scheduling patients, dealing with insurance companies getting prior authorizations for procedures and most importantly, assisting with the many procedures that we do (Sclerotherapy, Laser DV Ablations, etc.) I will directly be working with the Doctors and patients to further understand this aspect of medicine and I am scared but excited.
I feel so blessed to be so believed in by the Physicians that I work with. It makes me more confident in not only the job that I do but in the values I believe in. I hope that in my work ethic that the staff  and patients see Jesus in me. I hope to exemplify the love that Christ did to us. I hope to serve those that are hurting physically and spiritually to share the truth of who Christ is. Please pray for me in these changing times!!!

www.sonomavein.com

La-Dee-Da

Hello friends, I've had a busy last few days!!! Sunday was Father's day so I decided to put together a basket for my padre and padre in law in which I attempted to make them homemade caramel corn. It turned out delicious but I think I overcooked the sugar just a tad an it kind of crystallized on the the popcorn. But oh well, it was still yummy.....

 For Father's Day my mom enlisted me on pie making duty (Coconut Cream Pie) in which I used my Cuisinart food processor for the first time to make my first attempt at a homemade pie crust! I over worked that a little too much too (see a trend here?) but it tasted delicious and was nice and flaky! The pie ended up being thicker than I thought it would so we decided to call it a Macaroon pie. It tasted good :) On Monday I made homemade chocolate chip banana bread and it was sooooooo good. I think I am going to make more and freeze it so that we can enjoy it all the time!

Last night was Taco Tuesday and a special appearance was made by the Keogh gals (well Kassie is a Reed now, but you get my drift..) and I was so glad they came! We ended the night beating each other up on a Wrestling video game Matt has and I don't think I've ever laughed that hard....so hilarious! Us four are also going to see the final installment of the last Harry Potter and I am so excited, yeah! If you don't know already, I am kind of a Harry Potter fanatic...and by kinda I mean alot....

Tonight I am meeting 2 of my bridesmaids for dinner whom I haven't seen since my Wedding and I am so excited! I always love hanging out with them because they always give me great advice on relationships etc. They are definitely 2 lovely ladies who love the Lord and who strive to know Him better and that just makes them fantastic!!!!

Tomorrow I think Matt and I are going out to a Bible camp in Sebastopol to visit some kiddos so until then enjoy your Wednesday folks!